1. The WAY You ask Stupid Questions
Notice that I didn't say the fact that
you ASK stupid questions. Every one asks stupid questions because
every once and a while, we are all a little stupid. Especially me.
I'm not talking about the act of
ASKing. Asking is A-O-Good. What I'm addressing here is the manner in
which the question is asked.
“Why the Hell did you
stop carrying Cheese Curls, Random Employee who obviously does ALL
the ordering for this location? WHY?”
I can't tell you how many times a week
I am approached by a customer who has already decided that I am the
cause of every frustration he has suffered throughout the day,
possibly throughout all of eternity.
He fixes me with a chilling glare,
sneers back his lips, and says in a snarl something like, “I've
looked all over this FUCKING STORE and I can't find a GODDAMNED
<insert mundane item that is sitting on a shelf literally inches
from his fingertips> anywhere. Where the blue balls of Christ are
they?”
...
Again, it isn't that we hate you as a
person, it's just that when you ask a stupid questions like this, in
this way, we kind of want to kill you. We, like you, are human
beings. We get up in the morning, shower, get dressed, eat breakfast,
and go to work. You wouldn't treat us like this if we were out of
uniform, in a setting where we could soundly kick your ass. You know
this and so do we. So why do you treat us like that here?
2. “Because I Need It For...”
“So you're probably
wondering what I need a Javelin-From-Torso-Removing-Kit for.”
WE DON'T CARE.
Seriously.
Your alcohol-soaked adventure about how
you and your bros fought the Black Knight and hi-jacked his horse
might be a riveting tale. But understand, we're at WORK. We don't
need to know that you need pink nail polish because red nail polish
would so clash with your purple dress that has pink-ish polka-dots,
which, by the way, you'll be wearing to prom next week. Oh and you're
going to go with this guy who like all the other girls so like but he
chose you because-
Seriously. You don't know us. Why are
you telling this to a random stranger? If you need help finding an
item that is FINE. But ALL we need to know is the name of that item,
not the story that accompanies your purchase of it.
How would you like it if you were
sitting at your office job (or whatever) and some ass-clown perched
in the corner of your cubical and started to explain to why he liked
Blueberry Jam? Not just by saying “I really like Blueberry Jam”
but by saying, “You know what I like about Blueberry Jam?” and
then listing every single thing he could possibly think of off the
top of his head for the next forty-five minutes.
While you're trying to work.
“AND BLUE!!!”
3. “I'm Really in Sort of a Hurry”
Are you? Is that my fault? People often
seem to think that whatever “hurry” they are in is much more
urgent than the “hurry” that every single other human being in
the store is in.
“I know it says One
Hour, but my dog is on fire and this very instant my baby is starving
to death. Also, the dimensions on my shopping cart don't even make
any sense.”
This one is also often combined with
“Because I Need It For...” and that doesn't make it any better.
Actually, it just makes us hate you more. Where in our job
description do you see “Compensate for assholes who can't budget
their time?” I don't remember that clause being in any contract I
ever signed.
Ah. There it is. Case
Dismissed.
4. You don't understand Supply and
Demand.
You mean you don't carry an eight-limbed Tee-shirt designed for Giant Spiders? WHY NOT?
Sometimes the things you love go out of style or don't catch on. For whatever magical reason, your favorite flavor of gummy worms didn't make the final cut and now you can't find a Super Raspberry Gummy Yummy Tummy Belly Worm ANYWHERE.
It sucks. We feel for you. We might even apologize or sympathize with your distress. But it isn't OUR fault. When things don't catch on, companies stop making/selling them. Sure, maybe you bought one pack of Froggy Toaderson Chews Each and EVERY day, but your one pack won't compensate for the hundreds that didn't sell.
5. You're There and We're Having a Bad Day
As much as I hate to admit it, this is a contributing factor. Sometimes we're just having a bad day. Maybe a customer before you was particularly dick-ish. Maybe your hair kind of reminds us of a significant other who cheated on us or a friend who hurt us. Maybe there is no reason and we're just the douche bag here.
If that's the case (and sometimes it will be) feel free to hate us right back.
And maybe write an angry blog post about why Customers Hate Employees.
"Can't you see I'm busy texting people I don't even like?"
